This is the healthiest I've ever felt. Most of the pains I had before surgery, and all of the mental issues I had, they're all gone. Menopause at 31 hasn't been the easiest thing in the world, but after cutting out caffeine and chocolate I can definitely say it isn't the hardest thing, either.
I'm just content. Happy.
The year is revving up again. The kids are going to school. Backpacks are strewn around the living room downstairs, waiting for me to fill them up with shoes, lunches, clothing changes, wipes. There are forms to sign, fundraisers to pay for, coats to hang up. I couldn't be happier. After a year of sitting on the sidelines I'm finally right back where I want to be, in the thick of everything.
My life is amazing. I can do anything I want to.
I can take long walks with my girls in the stroller, and then play with them for an hour in the park. I can chase my son all round the house, and still have energy to cook dinner and put him down to bed. I can kick back at the end of an exhausting day, watch a few episodes on Netflix with my husband, and then go downstairs and push through with one more burst of energy to get the house cleaned before bed. It hurts, but I love it so much because I can do it. I can finally just be a part of my family again.
It's so odd that right now the only thing that's really standing between me being here and be not being here is chance. The chance of not catching just the wrong virus, or just the wrong bacteria, or just the wrong fungal infection. That chance I have of cancer. The tumour growing in my mouth.
It's almost like a form of doublethink. I'm healthier than I've ever been, but at the same time I'm still "sick". My CD4 is still less than 100. I have to hold both thoughts in my head, always being aware. Don't eat sketchy raw things, don't eat raw veggies if you haven't washed them yourself, don't swim in fresh water or pools, heck, don't swim at all, don't drink water that hasn't been treated, don't go camping, wear a mask or walk away when around sick people, things like that.
When my son was less stable he used to be like a knife, balance on the edge at the top of a cliff. Any one small movement, a puff of wind, used to tip him over, throw him into the hospital. I'm older, I'm a lot more stable than he was, but I still need to remember. My life is amazing now, and I want to work hard to keep it that way.
And, as healthy as I am now, the winter is coming. The Winter Is Coming. Seriously.
So here I am. Summer is ending. The end of my carefree, joyous days. The end of being able to just open a door and run outside without doing anything at all. No shoes, no coat, no mask. No worries. Just clear blue skies and a lot of freedom. But at the same time, it's ok for summer to not last forever. Life has to keep moving on. How can you live if you don't enjoy the passing moment?
Juxtaposition. Two contrasting thoughts. Enjoy this moment, because it won't ever come again. This too shall pass. Insert random cliche. Don't take yourself too seriously. Just keep trucking.
And above all, enjoy life. I know I do.
