Bittersweet

Sometimes the fight without becomes less important than the fight within.

Sometimes the silence is harder to take than the noise, because the thoughts that occupy it are so poisonous.

Sometimes my biggest battles are inside my head, because being positive is an active thing and to be honest? I'm really not very good at it.

Sometimes all of this fighting and battling and setback after setback and turndowns and roadblocks have me struggling more not to become a horrible person than to actually make life better for my family.

I need to be positive. I need to think positive. I need to not become this bitter, hateful person that is constantly in battle mode, feeling anger towards the unfeeling bureaucracy that cares more for budgets than special needs children.

We lost every non-medical pediatric service we had access to in the last month, except one. And that one is now officially up for review. Not because we're not in need, not because we're not eligible, but because the government is slashing the budget very, very harshly across the board and the cuts need to come from somewhere. We are not on the extreme end right now, and we are no longer in crisis, so we are getting cut.

I'm trying so hard not to become bitter, but I'm failing. I fought tooth and nail for every single one of those services. Now they're gone, and it feels like all of my work was for nothing. Nothing. I'm trying so hard not to dream about it at night, but I can't. How do I live with this? How do I live with the fact that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into it, I cannot fight this? That it feels like a parallel for fighting my body, fighting myself, a constant reminder that you can give it everything you have, everything, but if a force more powerful than you wants something more than you, wants something different than you, then you will lose and lose hard every time?

I'm being maudlin, I know. Tomorrow I will have more energy, tomorrow I won't feel this bad. I'm sure there are positives right now, even though I can't see them through the dark.

I think I just ran out of fight.